by Stephanie Bowles
I've always struggled with saying "no" to things. In part because I am a recovering people pleaser, but also because I find joy in doing so many different types of things. Even though the “yes” feels good, it so often leaves me feeling drained and leads to quicker burnout.
Sound familiar?
For years, I said yes to the extra project, the networking event I didn't really want to attend, the coffee meeting that didn't align with my goals, the volunteer opportunity that sounded meaningful but stretched me too thin. I was busy, productive, and completely exhausted.
The turning point came when I realized that saying yes to everything was actually saying no to the things that mattered most. Every yes I gave to something that wasn't aligned with my values and goals was a no to something that was. And frankly, I was tired of feeling scattered instead of feeling intentional about how I spend my time.
The Hidden Cost of Not Saying No
We talk a lot about time management in business, but we don't talk enough about energy management in life. Every commitment you make—whether it's a work project, social obligation, or volunteer opportunity—requires not just your time but your mental and emotional energy.
When you say yes to everything, you're not just filling up your calendar. You're fragmenting your focus, diluting your impact, and slowly moving away from the life you actually want to create.
I learned this lesson the hard way when I was juggling my fractional Integrator work with too many side projects, board commitments, and social obligations. On paper, I looked successful. But I felt scattered and like I was constantly letting someone down—including myself.
The Clarity That Changes Everything
The shift happened when I finally got honest about what I actually wanted my life to look like—not what I thought would make me look impressive or what other people expected of me, but what would genuinely make me feel fulfilled and energized.
For me, that meant:
Having meaningful work that energized rather than drained me
Time for hiking and exploring the islands with my husband and our dog Mosey
Space for deep friendships and intentional gatherings
Flexibility to travel and visit family
The ability to show up fully for my clients without feeling overwhelmed
Once I got clear on what actually mattered to me, saying no became less about disappointing people and more about protecting my ability to show up fully for what I cared about most. It wasn't about rejection—it was about being intentional.
Here's the framework I use when an opportunity comes up:
The Energy Test: Does this energize me or drain me? Life's too short to spend your days doing things that deplete your energy unless they're serving a larger purpose.
The Alignment Test: Does this align with my values and goals? If I can't clearly explain how this opportunity moves me closer to my ideal life, it's probably not the right fit.
The Time Test: What am I saying no to by saying yes to this? There's always a trade-off. Make sure you're comfortable with what you're giving up.
The Gut Check: How does this feel in my body? Sometimes your intuition knows things your mind hasn't figured out yet. Trust that feeling.
The Art of the Kind “No”
As someone who genuinely enjoys helping people (occupational hazard of being an Integrator!), I had to learn that saying no kindly doesn't require over-explaining or apologizing. You don't owe anyone a detailed explanation of why you can't take on their project or attend their event.
Here's what I've learned that works:
"Thank you for thinking of me, but I can't commit to that right now."
"That sounds like a great opportunity, but it's not the right fit for me at this time."
"I'm not able to take that on, but I appreciate you asking."
The key is to be clear, kind, and final. Don't leave room for negotiation unless you actually want to negotiate.
As a fractional Integrator, I've seen how this applies to business decisions too. The most successful leaders I work with are incredibly disciplined about saying no to opportunities that don't align with their strategic goals.
They say no to:
Clients who aren't a good fit
Projects that don't play to their strengths
Opportunities that would stretch their resources too thin
Meetings that don't have clear outcomes
This isn't about being difficult or unhelpful. It's about being strategic. When you say no to the wrong things, you create space to say yes to the right things—and to do them extraordinarily well.
The Life You Actually Want
Here's what I've noticed since I started saying no more often:
My work got better. When I'm not spread thin across too many projects, I can bring my best energy and thinking to each client.
My relationships improved. When I'm not overcommitted, I can be more present with the people I care about.
I felt more like myself. Instead of trying to be everything to everyone, I could focus on being excellent at the things that aligned with my strengths and values.
New opportunities opened up. When you're not busy with the wrong things, you notice and have capacity for the right things.
Living your ideal life isn't about having the perfect circumstances or unlimited resources. It's about making intentional choices about how you spend your time and energy. It's about saying no to good things so you can say yes to great things.
Every time you say no to something that doesn't align with your values and goals, you're saying yes to your ideal life. Every boundary you set is a step toward living more intentionally.
The question isn't whether you can afford to say no. The question is whether you can afford not to.
If you're not used to saying no to things, start small. Practice with low-stakes situations. The coffee meeting you don't want to take. The networking event that doesn't interest you. The project that doesn't align with your goals.
Pay attention to how it feels. Notice the relief that comes with protecting your time and energy. Observe how saying no to one thing creates space for something better.
Your ideal life is waiting on the other side of that “no”. What are you ready to say no to so you can say yes to what matters most?
What's one thing you need to say “no” to in order to create space for what you really want? Sometimes the hardest part is just getting clear about what that is.